


Living With Death

by Obiwana



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Episode: s01e13 Le Morte D'Arthur, Fluff and Angst, Kinda, M/M, Oblivious Arthur, Sad Merlin, but he tries to be helpful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2019-01-18 20:27:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12395616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obiwana/pseuds/Obiwana
Summary: “I need to talk to you”“You still haven’t got it yet have you? I decide when we need to talk.”“Not today.”-----------I was kinda upset that when season 2 started it was as if Merlin was completely unaffected by the fact that he took a life after he was planning on dieing himself and like that would have made him distraught so I decided to write something as a kind of transition so he isn't just perfectly fine with all that





	Living With Death

_ “Ah merlin.” _

_ “How are you?” _

_ “Good.” _

_ “Pleased?” _

_ “Yeah, and I owe it all to gaius.” _

_ “I need to talk to you” _

_ “You still haven’t got it yet have you? I decide when we need to talk.” _

_ “Not today.” _

_ “I sometimes wonder if you know who I am.” _

_ “Oh I know who you are-” _

_ “Good.” _

_ “-you're a prat and a royal one.” _

_ “Are you ever going to change merlin?” _

_ “No you'd get bored. Promise me this, if you ever get another servant don't get a boot licker.” _

_ “If this is you trying to leave your job.” _

_ “No. I'm happy to be your servant to the day I die.” _

_ “Sometimes I think I know you merlin, other times…” _

_ “Well I know you. You are a great warrior and one day you will be a great king.” _

_ “That's very kind of you.” _

_ “But you must learn to listen as well as you fight.” _

_ “Any other pointers?” _

_ “No. That's it. Just, don't be a prat?” _

 

Arthur heard the conversation play in his head again. There was something very wrong with Merlin and Arthur decided that he was going to get to the bottom of it. He ordered some other servants to check the castle for merlin as he was still not cleared to leave his room. He swore he would go crazy before gaius would let him go free again. The servants of course reported nothing because they had no idea what they were looking for though one of them did mention that gaius wasn't in his chambers.

 

Arthur decided that it was worth the risk of getting caught out of his chambers to see if he could find any clues in Merlin's room. He stuck his head out his door and looked around but there was no one there so he began his trek to his man servant's room. When he got there though he did not find at all what he expected, Gwen was in Gaius’s room looking after a patient and there was no one else as far as Arthur could see. “Hello, Gwen? Have you seen Merlin?” 

 

Gwen started at his voice and dropped the cloth that she had been whipping the woman down with. “oh! Arthur. I didn't hear you come in. Why are you here? Not that it's any of my business,” she took a breath And calmed herself, “I haven't seen him since he came back here last night. Why, do you need him?”

 

“I don't need him, he was just acting strangely earlier.” 

 

Gwens face fell and she turned to the sleeping woman in the bed. Arthur truly looked at the woman for the first time and had to beat back a grimace, the poor woman was covered in slime and boils. “that might be because this is his mother.”

 

“oh.” That did explain how subdued merlin had been and how preoccupied he had seemed by thoughts of leaving. Though it didn't explain his wording of everything.

 

Arthur soon forgot his quest to figure out what his man servant could have possibly ment with said man servant's return. Merlin went back about his duties almost as if nothing had happened, his mother had gotten better Arthur assumed as he didn't hear of her passing, though Merlin seemed to be taken over by long bouts of brooding. Whenever Arthur caught him in one of those moments Merlin would always try to laugh it off, Arthur decided it probably was not his place to pry.

 

The feast to celebrate Arthur's recovery was not long after Merlin's return. Arthur didn’t much get into the festivities, not wanting to risk his health with too much drink, so he told Merlin halfway through that he could have the rest of the night off. As Arthur was sneaking out of the party he noticed Merlin alone on a balcony outside, sitting precariously on the balustrade.

 

Arthur stood in the hall debating if he should say anything, and soon being a friend won out over being the prince. He walked out to stand next to Merlin and shivered a bit at the chill in the air.

 

Merlin gave no indication that he saw Arthur till he spoke softly, “How do you live with it Arthur?”

 

Arthur looked over at Merlin, his brow furrowed in concern. “Live with what Merlin?”

 

“Having killed people.” Merlin continued to look out into the blackness of the surrounding castle walls, almost averting his eyes from the stars that covered the sky.

 

Arthur took a deep breath considering his answer, “Well, mostly I try to ignore it I guess, try to tell myself that if I hadn't killed them then they would have killed me.” Merlin nodded and sighed looking up slightly at the sky. “Why are you asking about that anyway? Not like you have killed anyone.” Arthur lightly bumped his shoulder with Merlins but rather than embrace the jest he shrunk away. “Merlin?”

 

Merlin open his mouth several times before he seemed to find the words to speak again. “When I went out after Gaius, I, we,” he paused not seeming to know what to say. “Have you ever seen someone be struck by lightning Arthur?” Merlin looked sideways over at Arthur before continuing, “She exploded. I can still hear her scream sometimes.” 

 

It made more sense now why Merlin had been so out of sorts, though why he thought he was personally responsible for nature and some poor woman's death was beyond Arthur. “If she was struck by lightning it's not like you killed her Merlin.”

 

“But I did Arthur!” Merlin yelled, “I just, I let it happen.” Merlin curled up on himself as much as he could given his precarious seating.

 

Arthur reached out a hand and put it on merlin's shoulder, “Merlin, you can't blame yourself for the natural order of things. If she was unlucky enough to be struck by lightning then there must have been some reason for it.” Merlin just bowed his head and nodded obviously not excepting Arthur's reasoning. He could feel a slight shiver in Merlin's frame with his hand on Merlin's shoulder. He closed his eyes wondering just how long Merlin had been sitting out here “Come on, let's get you inside. We can't have you dieing too.”

 

Merlin sighed and let Arthur pull him off the ledge and lead him back inside, the sound of the party echoing through the halls. Arthur didn’t even think about where he was taking Merlin till the two of them were standing outside his door.

 

“I thought you said I could have the night off,” Merlin half heartedly joked as Arthur pulled him through the door.

 

Arthur tried to think of something to help cheer Merlin up as he walked over to his bed but drew a blank so he went for making Merlin feel needed instead. “Well I changed my mind. This whole party is because I got better so I think it would be good for someone to stay with me to make sure I stay that way.”

 

Merlin’s brow furrowed as he stood still by the door, “But Gaius gave you the all clear, didn’t he?”

 

“Merlin, just stay would you,” Arthur said softly holding out his hand. Merlin’s face softened into the smallest of smiles as he walked over to his prince. Maybe things wouldn’t be the same but Merlin still had this, no matter what it was that was bothering him.


End file.
